Did you ever have one of those days where you know that things aren't really that bad, but all the little stuff just adds up and until you want to stab some one in the face?
Comcast continues to vex me, but nevermind, I come bearing great news. Mission: Go Back to College is going better than I originally hoped. My parents have agreed to pay for me to go back to school. This is...very unexpected. And very exciting. I even managed to find a school within commuting distant that has the major I want.
I have a job interview on Wednesday. I have the feeling it will probably be as soul crushing as my current occupation, but at the very least it will be something new and it will allow me to pay my bills. Being broke and worrying about money all the time is not good for the soul.
I had a dream last night about a silly boy who I have never met but love none the less. I may never know you, but your smile makes my day a little better every time I see it.
I started this year saying that 2008 was going to be my year, that it was going to be the best year of my life. I think it actually might be.
Sorry about the lack of updates the past few days. My internet connection at home has been shoddy at best. Kinda of irritating considering it's legitimate, we're not stealing from our neighbors like we did when we first moved in.
I've been busy these past few days. There are quite a few works of art lying around my room, waiting patiently to be shared with the world, photographs and finger painting alike.
I'm applying to college (for real this time). Putting together a portfolio makes me doubt myself more than anything, nothing ever seems good enough. I look at my collected works and think, these are just scribbles, how could I convince anyone to accept me based on this?
Every place in the world is a "boys only" club, just trying to get my foot in the door is enough to bring me to frustation. But I'm keeping all my fingers and all my toes crossed in the hopes that my faith is not in vain.
I'm stuck at work until almost midnight tonight. 12 hours in a building I've grown to hate, doesn't exactly do good things for the soul. I think about the minutes of my life that are tickickg away. Boredom isn't just a side effect of my job, it's a requirement. Stop trying to entertain yourself, do nothing to keep your brain from atrophying as you stare at the screen. Focus. Be professional.
The pockets of the fat cats are lined with gold, and I'm helping them along. Don't think I don't see the irony, when I can barely make ends meet, when I know that if I needed them, I couldn't afford that drugs that are making you rich.
I'm trying to get out while I still can, but I fear I'm going to be going straight from the frying pan into the fire.
I don't know what made me think of it, but I just remembered the first time I got detention in 5th grade. I don't even remember what it was for, but I do remember that I cried the whole time. It was awful.
Looking back on it, that was hardly one of the worst moments of my life, but at the time, it was the end of the world. It's rough being a kid, especially a lonely kid.
I can't wait for this day to end because when I wake up tomorrow I'll be on my way to you.
dear future self,
When this inevitably blows up in your face and you're crying into your pillow listening to bang the doldrums on repeat, I want you to remember this moment. I told you so.
My heart is starting to hurt in a way that is very familiar, but I'm trying my best to remind myself of the good in my life and that the things that are not good will soon pass.
It's very hard, but I'm determined to make this work. I want to be happy with my life.
I am watching two people argue on the bus about something completely inane and part of me thinks "Jesus Christ. This is exactly why I hate the bus." But there's another part that thinks, "I'm going to make up for their malice by being extra positive today."
That's always the way, isn't it? Sink into the mire with them or rise above. My day started badly, but watching them made me want to try harder to turn it around.
Since the year has started I have made it a point to keep a positive attitude despite the number of things that could have possibly brought me down. And as I stood at the bus stop this morning, in the cold, with a car that won't start, and my ipod battery dead, waiting for a bus that was late, I thought, well, I got six days into 2008 before the universe brought me down. And then I witnessed two grown men yell back and forth at each other for almost fifteen minutes in front of a bus full of strangers. And strangely enough, it turned my entire day around.
One day, my friends, I will have health insurance. When that day comes I will have my wisdom teeth removed and it will be awesome. I think I'll throw a party, you know, after the novacaine wears off.
"It is wrong to expect a reward for your struggles. The reward is the act of struggle itself, not what you win. Even though you can't expect to defeat the absurdity of the world, you must make the attempt. That's morality, that's religion, that's art, that's life." -- P. Ochs
I have too many unfinished ideas. I don't even remember half of them until I sit down and take stock and remember my grand plans for everything that never gets finished.
I'm going to try harder this year. This is not a resolution because those never stick. Resolutions are like diets. You can't just eat only grapefruit for a week and expect to become skinny. You have to change your entire lifestyle. I need to revamp my life in an artistic way.
My art is important to me, I know this. It's the closest thing I have to faith. I need to make time for it or I can't ever expect it to go anywhere.
